Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Reflections

Housekeeping: Sorry I was gone for a brief minute! I had a few posts planned to publish right around Christmas time, including this one you are about to read, and it did not get to happen unfortunately. I was hospitalized right before Christmas and was released Christmas Eve, and have been trying to allow myself time to recover before I dive back into the blog- because I want it to be perfect and nothing less. So, now that I am feeling pretty much back to normal, here it is...


As I sit here in the ambient lighting, listening to the clock tick and tock, I have come to a revelation. I am not as happy as I could be. I actually have so many thoughts going through my mind right now. Annoyances from people, work, my phone constantly dinging with a new text or Snapchat notification from people I really don't even want to be talking to. Yearnings for my back to not hurt anymore, getting a good night of sleep while waking up early enough to run errands before work and wanting to not feel so alone at night.

I am watching as my dog, Jax, is asleep on his gray bed in the corner. No care in the world. Probably dreaming of running in a huge field, chasing birds or flies. The kind of innocence an animal has is something so pure. It makes me sad and smile all at the same time. Watching him twitch as he dreams, living a mostly stress-free life. He has had a hard time adjusting to our recent move to the Akron area. And quite frankly, so have I.

I feel like I don't have a second to breathe and relax, I am always at work. What do I expect taking a full time position though? This opportunity presented itself and I jumped at the thought of moving out of my parents' house. Not because I hated living there, because I absolutely did not, but because I was ready to regain my independence. The move itself was put into the universe far before it happened. I am a firm believer in that, putting things you want to happen into the universe in some shape or form. I was packing boxes months before I found a job, place, or area to explore the options. I was interviewing like a mad man all over the Cleveland/Akron area. Thought I had a job I wanted so bad, in the bag. All the hoops and hurdles jumped and seemed to stick the landing, found the perfect place to live, was going to be so much closer to my old college friends and fraternity brothers, and it would have been a real "big girl" job. All of the positive things I was feeling, that everything was falling into place and God was rewarding me for the hard work and patience I had given, was just not meant to be.

So then, after all the pre-celebrations and telling people my amazing news, I was forced to make a decision. Tell everyone the truth and sulk and be miserable, or tell everyone the truth and stay positive and keep looking. I chose a combination of the two I suppose. I was devastated to learn that the position was offered to another candidate, but I was determined to still get my way. My way of moving and finding a job elsewhere from my hometown.

This story is not a story telling you what an awesome job I have now, it is an everything happens for a reason, if the door didn't open it wasn't the right one, story. Because to be honest, I don't love my job now. I am an assistant manager in a retail store... nothing fancy or crazy cool, or even in my degree field. But it pays the rent. Because I moved out, I now have to pay an absurd amount of money on rent. Yay adulting.

This post is to show you that life can be annoying. You can yearn for something. You can watch all the innocent things in the world and be jealous. Or.. you can do something about it.

I am not sure of the final destination of this post, and I don't think I am close yet, so bare with me. I guess my thoughts right now, trying to make their way from my brain to the keyboard are having some trouble, because I don't want to even think about what I need to do to become my most happy self possible. I struggle with being happy. I have been happy and it burned me. Will I ever be happy again? I don't doubt it, I am just tired.

Probably lost a lot of readers with the unorganized feel of this post- but I feel better, for the moment. Getting it out of my system. Telling the world I am ready to be happy again, in any aspect that I can be. So that is my mantra for 2019. Be happy.












1 comment:

  1. Omg no you did not lose readers!!! I loved this blog Torrie. Not only were you real, but completely raw with how you described your life. I appreciate and respect that so much as someone who reads your blogs continuously. This is a great read and am really proud of you! I pray this year is your year. Thank you for sharing a part of your heart. Sometimes our desires aren’t God’s so He will do whatever He wants for your life and we have to accept whatever that is as Christians. Love you girl! You got this!! Be proud of yourself. “Just a assistant manager” is a great job and more than most people have. Give yourself credit!

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